


Tell Me We Were Real

by ill_interrogate_the_cat_castiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean Winchester Needs Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture - Bunker Breakup Scene, Fix-It, Gen, M/M, Sam is a Good Brother, dean is bad with emotions, dean? being honest?? its more likely than you think, he deserves a medal tbh, it's basically the same but castiel has more to say, the break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-02 21:28:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21168140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ill_interrogate_the_cat_castiel/pseuds/ill_interrogate_the_cat_castiel
Summary: “For years, Dean, people - angels, demons, even the Shadow in the Empty in their own way - have been telling me how you don’t actually care about me. That I’m just a tool for you to use. That I’m expendable.” Castiel laughs bitterly. “Sure, it may have felt like that at times, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and believed you actually cared. That when you said you needed me, it was for me not for my powers."basically the break-up scene but cas has more to say





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel walks into the library and finds Dean pouring himself a glass of whiskey. He considers turning around and walking back from where he came from, maybe visiting Sam himself, because Dean hasn’t been too courteous with him as of late and after a day like today… well, it isn’t likely Dean would be any warmer towards him. 

But… After what Castiel had to do to Belphegor, to Jack’s body, it’s Dean he wants to speak to, Dean he seeks comfort and companionship from.

So, instead of leaving, he asks, “How’s Sam?”

Dean swallows the drink he took and slowly turns around to face him and walks toward the table. “Not great.” Dean’s bitter, angry silence and Castiel’s sorrowful silence quickly grows between them. 

Castiel knows it’s likely Dean is blaming him about Rowena in a roundabout way- Dean seems to be blaming him for everything as of late, whether or not it’s actually his fault.

“I’m sorry about Rowena,” Castiel tells him honestly. As much as he did not like the witch in the beginning, he, just like the Winchesters, has grown a fondness towards her and truly mourns her death.

He wonders briefly if he did what Rowena did, would Dean mourn him the same way or would he just mutter his bitter curses at who Castiel was? Maybe he would be glad to be rid of a burden.

“You’re sorry?” Dean asks in a sort of disbelieving way. He shakes his head and sits on the table. “Why didn’t you just stick to the damn plan?”

“Belphegor was lying -”

“Belphegor’s a demon,” Dean interrupts.

“He was using us! He wanted to eat every last soul to take control of Hell, Earth, and everything.”

“Yeah, and we would’ve figured it out! After! With Rowena!” Dean shouts. Castiel feels his irritation flare a bit.

“The plan changed, Dean! Something went wrong,” he says. “You know this: something  _ always _ goes wrong.”

“And why does that something always seem to be you?” Dean meets his eyes and Castiel could do nothing but stand in a shocked silence. He feels empty and cold all over, in a way that is worse than when his grace was forcefully taken from him. Castiel has always tried to help, and even though, admittedly, it doesn’t always go as planned, he didn’t think Dean actually blamed him for it. He didn’t think Dean looked down at him so much. 

Even though they had this rift between the two of them, he thought Dean had at least still trusted him.

A few seconds go by with neither of them saying anything before Dean looks away. Now that he isn’t looking into Dean’s resentful eyes, Castiel finds his voice.

“You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt,” he says. “Just as I’ve always done for you.”

“What’re you talking about?” Dean asks without looking away from the floor.

“For years, Dean, people - angels, demons, even cosmic entities such as Amara and the Shadow in the Empty in their own way - have been telling me how you don’t actually care about me. That I’m just a tool for you to use when you need me and discard when you don’t. That I’m expendable.” Castiel laughs bitterly. “Sure, it may have felt like that at times, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and trusted you actually cared. That when you said you needed me, it was for  _ me, _ not for my powers. But now you can barely look at me.” As if to prove a point, Dean turns his gaze, still sorrowful and bitter, back to Castiel. He doesn’t deny the rest, though. “My powers are failing and I’ve tried to talk to you, over and over, and you just don’t want to hear it. You don’t care. I’m… dead to you.” Castiel keeps moving his gaze around as he speaks, unable to look directly at Dean. “You still blame me for Mary.” He focuses back on Dean to see him nod slightly. He feels his heart plummet more. He nods back. “Well, I don’t think there is anything left to be said,” Castiel tells him sadly. He hesitates, though, looking at Dean and silently pleading for him to disagree.

He doesn’t.

Castiel turns and starts walking towards the stairs to the exit of the bunker. He thinks briefly how he should at least say bye to Sam, but he doesn’t think he could stand to be here a moment longer. It hurts too much.

“Where are you going?” Dean’s voice asks.

Castiel pauses his steps and takes a deep breath. “I think they were right, Dean, all of them. I have rebelled against everything I knew for you; I have fallen from grace for you; I have fought for you; I have  _ died _ for you, but it’s still not enough. It’s not me you want or need, it’s my powers and since I don’t really have them anymore. Well. It’s hard to fool myself into believing anymore.” He can’t look back at Dean and let him see his weakness. Castiel swallows and clenches his jaw, trying not to let the weakness show in his voice as he speaks.

“You asked me ‘what about this is real?’” Castiel says slowly, repeating his words from the day before. “I told you ‘we are,’ but… maybe you were right. Maybe none of it was real.”

“Cas…” he hears Dean say quietly.

“Jack’s dead,” he says, still not turning around to face Dean. “Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other.” He finally looks at Dean, unable to help himself from seeing the face he loves one last time. “I think it’s time for me to move on.” Dean’s and his eyes meet again and once more Castiel is silently begging for Dean to tell him to stay, that despite everything he still belongs with them. He wants Dean to say that he’s wrong: he does care about Castiel for more than his powers, he still trusts and believes in him, even if it’s hard to right now. 

He wants Dean to say that Castiel was right before: they were real.  _ Are _ real.

But Dean doesn’t move. He doesn’t say anything to stop him. So Castiel nods his head once and heads up the stairs and out of the bunker. It isn’t until he is outside and away from Dean that he lets himself cry.

He is alone with failing grace once more.


	2. Chapter 2

At first Dean doesn't feel anything. He sits motionless against the table, his quarter full whiskey glass clutched limply in his hand, as he stares at the bunker's exit. He's trying to process what just happened. One moment he was yelling at Cas for going off plan leading to Rowena's death and the next Cas is leaving, teary eyed.

_ "I think it's time for me to move on." _

Then he's angry. Dean's hand tightens, his jaw clenches, and suddenly he throws the glass at the wall. "Fuck!"

How  _ dare _ Castiel think he can just move on from what he did. Dean takes the chair to his left and swings it across the room. How  _ dare _ he not own up to his actions. Dean pushes the lamp off the table. How  _ dare _ he just leave them. Again.

"Dean? What's going on?" It's Sam. Dean has his back to the hallway and hadn't heard him come in. "Where's Cas?"

Dean's hands are shaking, so he stomps over to where the bottle of whiskey is and takes a hefty swig straight from the bottle.

Without turning towards his brother, he says, "He left."

"He… left?" Sam repeats with a surprised tone. "Why?"

_ "It's time for me to move on." Castiel's eyes are pleading for Dean to give him a reason to stay. Dean doesn't say anything. _

Dean turns and sees Sam, still red-eyed and tired, looking confused. "Don't sound so shocked. It's what he always does: leaving when things get tough."

"Dean, you must have noticed how tired he's been lately," Sam says slowly. "And I don't just mean emotionally; I think his grace is fading. I mean, he wasn't even able to heal Ketch's bullet wound." 

_ "My powers are failing, and I've tried to talk to you, over and over…" _

Dean crosses his arms to hide his shaking hands. "Who cares why he left? At least now we don't have to worry about him screwing things up all the time and getting someone else killed." 

Sam's jaw drops open before he seems to catch himself and snap it closed. Dean watches as his face turns from confused to angry. "What did you do, Dean?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look," Sam starts calmly, "I know you've been pissed recently about, well,  _ everything _ , but you don't have to take it out on Cas. He’s tired, and stressed, and worried just like the rest of us."

"I'm not having this conversation right now." Dean pushes himself past Sam fully intending to lock himself in his room and drink from his personal booze supply until he passes out. Anything to keep him from thinking of any of the past few days.

He isn't surprised when Sam follows him.

"I don't know why you are so upset about him leaving," Dean says as he continues to walk down the hall. "It's his fault Rowena-"

"Don't." Dean stops at the raw sadness in his brother's voice. He turns around, wanting to apologize to Sam, but after a deep breath his brother continues on. "You can fool Cas into thinking you hate him and he's dead to you, and maybe you can even fool yourself, too, but you can't fool me." Sam takes a few steps closer to Dean and rests a gentle hand on his shoulder. Dean resists the urge to shrug it off. "I saw how you were when he died, Dean."

Now Dean does shrug Sam's hand off his shoulder. "What does it matter what I felt, huh? None of it was real. Chuck was controlling it all!"

"I don't think it would have been any fun for him if he controlled  _ everything _ , you know? He had to keep some element of surprise for himself."

Things seem to click in place, then. Chuck is doing this, creating worlds for entertainment. If he controlled every aspect, right down to how they felt about people and situations, then where would be the fun in that? 

The guilt and sadness come in soon after this realization. If everything they felt was real, then everything Dean feels for Cas, all the anger and fondness and not-so-platonic feelings, is all real.

But, that also means Cas genuinely believes Dean only needs his powers. He genuinely believes Dean doesn't care about him at all. He genuinely believes he is dead to him.

He genuinely thinks it's time for him to move on.

Dean's heart drops to his stomach and he has to clench his jaw to keep his eyes from watering up too much.

"Dean?" Sam asks tentatively.

"He left, Sammy."

"Yeah, but he always comes back," Sam responds with a hopeful tone.

Dean shakes his head. "He  _ left _ . He said it was time for him to move on." A tear falls and Dean quickly wiped it off his face. "It's all my fault."

"I'm sure it's not -"

"It is, though!" Dean shouts. “Everything I said and everything I didn’t say…”

_ "It's not me you want or need, it's my powers…" Dean doesn't say anything to deny it, even though it's not true. _

"What do I do, Sammy?" Dean asks pleadingly. He  _ needs _ Cas back.

"Find him and apologize," Sam simply says.

He laughs bitterly. "Some things can't be forgiven," he says, "and this is probably one of them."

With an eye roll, his brother replies, "You have to at least  _ try _ ."

"What do you expect me to do? Get on my knees and beg for him to forgive me and come back?" asks Dean incredulously. 

"Yeah, if that's what it takes!"

The two look at each other in silence. Dean looks at Sam unsure and Sam looks back with encouragement. After a moment, Dean nods and crosses back past Sam, through the library, and up the stairs. 

He's going to get Cas back.

He drives north, following Cas on his GPS, for three hours. Cas has been stopped for maybe an hour and a half, so catching up is easy enough. Dean tries not to think about the fact that Cas had to stop at a hotel needing to sleep due to the fact his mojo is so drained. He ends up thinking about it most of the ride.

When Dean gets to where Cas is- a motel in Madison, Nebraska- he pulls into the parking lot and parks next to his truck (he  _ really  _ should have Cas pick out a car from the bunker so he could actually drive something  _ nice _ ). 

Instead of knocking on every door trying to find which one is the correct door, Dean walks inside and to the reception desk.

"Hey, I'm looking for a friend of mine," he says to the guy- Cameron, according to his nametag- working the desk. "He's got dark hair, blue eyes, a trench coat."

"Oh, yeah, he just got here not too long ago," says Cameron. "Room 18."

Dean nods and smiles his thanks and heads to the room. Each step closer, though, feels like more weight being added onto him. Maybe it's selfish of him to try to bring Cas back. Cas lost everything for them, for  _ him _ , and what did he get back in return? The oh so lovely role of being Dean's verbal punching bag any time something goes wrong. Maybe it's best to let Cas move on.

His body, however, didn't have time to catch up with that conclusion. Before Dean knows it, he is knocking on the door to room 18.

When Dean hears footsteps on the other side of the door and sees the door opening, he isn't prepared at all. He definitely isn't prepared to see a tired, red puffy eyed Castiel. He looks so  _ human _ . "Dean," he greets with a note of shock and hesitancy.

"Uh, hey, Cas," Dean says lamely. "Can I come in?" He gestures to the room behind him. Cas looks reluctant, and for a moment Dean worries he will be turned away, but ultimately the door opens wider for Dean to walk through.

"Can you make it quick?" Cas asks curtly as soon as he shuts the door. "I'm tired and would like to relax some."

"Yeah, no, right. I, uh, yeah I get that." Dean clears his throat and paces a little. Then he sits down on the bed, shaking his leg up and down. After a few seconds of that, he stands up and starts pacing again.

"Dean." Dean looks over to his friend and sees him with his arms crossed and a carefully blank look painted on his face.

"Right." He clears his throat again and scratches the back of his neck. "I just wanted to, you know, apologize and stuff." Dean gives a helpless shrug. "So, yeah. Sorry for being a jerk to you lately." 

Cas' face turns downward slightly. "Dean… I'm not sure I can deal with this anymore." Castiel crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed and puts his head in his hands looking down at the floor. "I can't be just someone you call on for my powers or for you to let your anger out on." Cas looks at Dean. "I want to be with you, Dean, but not like that."

Dean keeps looking at his friend, even as Cas looks back to the floor. Dean feels so helpless, so unsure of what to do. He’s never been good with emotions; that’s always been more Sam’s department. All he knows is that he can’t lose Cas.

So, Dean does the unthinkable: he decides to be honest about his feelings.

He hesitates a moment before taking a few quick steps to get in front of Castiel and then kneels. When his friend looks up in shock, Dean grabs ahold of his hands and holds them both tightly between his own.

“You’re right,” Dean says, looking Cas in the eye. “We-  _ I _ \- took you for granted. A lot. I was always expecting you to heal us and fix our messes, and when you couldn’t I got frustrated and even angry. I never meant to come off like I don’t care about  _ you _ .” Castiel stays silent, his eyes wide. “Every time you left, I wanted to tell you to stay, but I knew you had more important things to do. When you were gone, I just wanted you to be back with us. Last year when you died-” Dean chokes on the word a bit. He looks away from his eyes, unable to continue otherwise. “I, uh, I didn’t deal with it too well. I lost faith in everything, you know? I just didn’t see that point anymore.”

“But I thought I was…” Castiel trails off in a whisper.

“I didn’t mean it,” he replies earnestly, looking back into Castiel’s eyes. “I was angry and scared, and yeah, that’s not a good excuse, but that’s what I’ve got. Cas, man, you mean  _ so _ much to me. When I say I need you, I mean I need  _ you _ , alright?” Cas stares at Dean’s face, as if trying to parse out any hidden lies. “I had asked you ‘what about this is real?’” Dean says. Castiel’s face shows the barest light of hope. “You told me ‘we are.’” Dean scoots himself slightly closer to Cas, bringing his hands close to his chest. “I think, if anything was real from any of this, we were. We  _ are _ .” 

Castiel's face softens and a small smile graces his lips. It takes Dean’s breath away. Dean doesn’t remember the last time he has seen Cas smile. Cas extracts one hand from Dean’s grip and places his palm on his cheek. Dean closes his eyes halfway and leans into the hand, taking comfort from the warmth of it. 

“Please come home, Cas,” Dean whispers.

“Of course, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did it! i wrote a second chapter! this took a bit, to be honest. i mean not time wise, because, well, this is the fastest i've got a chapter out for anything lmao (thought that's maybe because i had actually set a time goal (which was to get it out before the next episode). what i meant was that i started this chapter like 3 different time taking it 3 different places. this is the version that got the farthest and that i was happiest with.  
now, i was thinking of bringing up the whole deal-with-the-empty thing, but ultimately it didn't make the cut. cas didn't get taken away because he isn't _truly_ happy yet since he is still grieving everyone he has recently lost.  
anyway, i hope you all enjoyed this chapter as well as you enjoyed the first <3 feel free to message me on tumblr @[ill-interrogate-cas](https://ill-interrogate-cas.tumblr.com/) to chat about destiel/spn feels or whatever you want to chat about! i love you all so much!

**Author's Note:**

> this episode really did some damage on my soul so i thought, hey, why not do more damage and make the scene slightly more sad. haha pls send help  
i might continue this because ive got some really big emotions from this episode and i need to get them out somehow, but no guarantee because if you know me then you know im absolute trash at updating anything since i have the attention span of a gnat. but id really like to get a second chapter with dean's pov and a happy ending tbh. we shall see.  
anywho, you can hit me up on tumblr @[ill-interrogate-cas](https://ill-interrogate-cas.tumblr.com/) to cry with me about the episode if youd like. (not only about the break-up scene, of course. im still crying about rowena as well because i loved my queen)


End file.
